All one parent on Reddit wanted was to help his wife have a better relationship with their kids, but now he’s worried he might have said the exact wrong thing. In his eyes, his wife was going a little overboard “so our girls can have the childhood she didn’t.” But now he’s wondering if frankly telling her that she should get therapy “to be the mom they deserve” instead of forcing things on them was maybe not the right way to get that idea across.

As the dad explained, his wife’s childhood was “crappy” to say the least.

The Original Poster shared in his post that his mother-in-law “wasn’t great” and was “in and out of prison” while his wife was growing up.

As a child, she even “had to raise her little siblings,” the husband wrote.

Now that they have their own kids, the OP’s wife has been overcompensating so their daughters can have the childhood she didn’t.

But she hasn’t realized that her kids are not here — so all of the things she wanted as a child aren’t necessarily what they want, and now he’s worried that she’s taking things too far.

“Our daughters might not want the same things as she did as a kid,” the OP explained.

For instance, the OP’s wife put their girls in dance classes.

“One loves it, the other hates it but my wife made her do it until COVID hit and the studio closed,” the OP wrote. “When I tried to talk her down, she said that she’d learn to love it.”

And she’s insisted on throwing their 6-year-old a big birthday celebration — even though the little girl is in therapy for her extreme anxiety.

“She hates crowds,” the OP explained. “We had her birthday last January and she spent it huddled in a corner and cried through ‘happy birthday,’ after begging my wife not to make people sing.”

The OP’s wife just shrugged off their daughter’s tears and told him the big fuss is a must because “It’s ‘part of the experience.'”

Even now, during a year when people are staying apart because of the coronavirus, the OP’s wife is still insisting on having a big public celebration for their daughter. She wants people to do a drive-by birthday party, complete with a parade of decorated cars.

The little girl, however, told her very clearly that she didn’t want this. “When my wife tried to push, my daughter said she won’t leave her room if they come over.”

Instead of understanding her child’s wishes, the OP’s wife was hurt.

She explained to her husband that all she wants is to give their kids a better childhood than she had.

“I said that’s nice but our girls do have a childhood,” the OP explained. “They’re not raising each other, neither of us are in prison and we’re stable.”

The OP wants their kids to have the childhoods THEY want.

“That includes activities, toys (our youngest is a Tomboy and that’s led to issues), what they wear, etc.,” he wrote. “She started arguing and I said she does all of this for herself, not them.”

The OP told his wife that she’s not her mom “but she’s not being a great one by doing this and told her she needs therapy to be the mom they deserve.” But that didn’t go over well.

Now the OP and his wife aren’t speaking and the OP is wondering if he should have kept his thoughts to himself.

Some commenters agreed that the OP needed to step in.

“Her mom was the reason your wife and her siblings didn’t have a great childhood but she seems like she’s overbearing which can be just as negative,” one person commented. “You’re not overstepping, those are your kids too and you do have a say in their upbringing. She needs to work through her trauma before her kids get older and want nothing to do with her.”

“Your wife isn’t giving the girls the childhood they need, she’s giving them the childhood she didn’t have,” someone else agreed. “I can guarantee if she keeps going down this route they won’t be remembering their childhood fondly and they will have their own issues with her. You’re 100 percent right that your wife needs therapy, and keep defending your daughters. Your wife should not be forcing your daughters to do things that make them miserable just because she wanted it at that age.”

Another person had a practical point of view. “Therapy isn’t a punishment or something only ‘crazy’ people need to ‘fix’ them. It sounds like she could really benefit from working through her childhood with a professional rather than protecting onto her kids – this would help everyone in the family.”

Other people thought the OP lacked tact.

“[You’re the a–hole]. But you’re right. Look, there’s a difference in being right and a–hole, they aren’t mutually exclusive,” one person commented. “I feel the WAY you communicated this makes YTA. Look, I get you’re protecting your kids. But your wife was traumatized. The way to introduce the idea that she isn’t a perfect mom is a touchy subject and should be done with the help of a therapist.

“Saying it out of concern for HER would have been the right way,” the person continued. “The last thing a woman who had such a rough upbringing needs is finger-pointing. I get that you want to protect your little girls … but remember, the goal is [to] help your wife, not hurt her.”

Another person agreed the OP was being a jerk but not because he was wrong: “it actually sounds like you’ve got a very important and probably on the nose point, but because you didn’t deliver the information in a loving, kind, and respectful way. It is never supportive to tell your wife she’s not being a great mom and she needs therapy, especially if it refers to her behavior generally. She sounds like she’s trying super hard, and loves her kids — and, there are tons of different styles of parenting, some of which include kids doing things they don’t prefer.”

The person continued, “You need to collaborate, negotiate, raise concerns, find solutions, maybe have a parent consult with your kid’s therapist to work out how best to deal with anxiety attacks — but telling your wife she’s a bad mom and needs therapy because you don’t agree with her parenting choices is a jerk move. It’s also a surefire way to wind up with a divorce before the kids are out of the house.”

A third person thought he was being the a-hole “for saying she’s not being a great mom and saying she’s doing it for herself. She’s not being a bad mom, she’s making bad parenting choices. She clearly is overly focused on giving them a good life and needs to learn how to direct that desire to raise her kids better, so I do support your side — as a parent of a teenager I can tell you that every parent I know who forced their kids to do what they want, and never let them do what the kids want, regret it severely by high school.”

After reading the commenters’ opinions, the OP still thinks his wife’s behavior was off. Despite the many commenters who thought his wife’s parenting choices were normal, “it’s not,” he wrote in a comment. “A regular kid would not have to hide from their own party if their mom respected them.”